I wanted to write explaining my absence the past few weeks. About a month ago, I went to the doctor for what I thought wasn’t a big deal and the whole thing turned into a giant health scare. I ended up having to see two specialists and had two MRI’s to rule out a stroke and a brain tumor. Stroke and brain tumors have been present in some of my extended family members, so there could be a hereditary component, which is why the doctors were so concerned.
As it turns out, I’m perfectly fine and healthy, there is nothing to worry about, thank goodness. I had to wait on results for several weeks though, which was extremely unpleasant. And writing this blog was simply a bit much during that time. I found I couldn’t concentrate on it, and in the face of such potential scariness, I found that I really couldn’t even think about my upbringing and all this stuff. It just wasn’t anything I had any emotional energy for.
Being as scared as I was may have been illogical, but all the intellectualizing of the situation didn’t calm my nerves one bit, unfortunately. So I did what I could for those few weeks, while I anxiously awaited my test results. I got them back about a week ago, and it’s taken me a bit to let it sink in that I’m fine and nothing serious is wrong with me.
In some weird way, I almost feel like going through that ordeal that turned out not to be such an ordeal was healing with regards to my upbringing. I mean, clichéd as it is, life is indeed short, and I don’t believe there’s a heaven waiting for me on the other side. The way my parents treated me will probably always hurt. I’ll likely never truly understand why they did what they did. But like my therapist always says, it’s not truly about what others think about you, it’s about what you think of yourself. What do you feel you deserve in life? Yes, we humans are very social and communal creatures, and we need to bond with others, especially as children, but as adults as well. But at the end of the day, and perhaps also at the beginning of the day, what matters so much is how you feel you deserve to be treated, and what you want your life to be like.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though my parents thought so little of me for being strong-willed and not fitting into their fundie Christian mold, both with regards to personality and body type, that doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve at least the option to make a good life for myself. It doesn’t mean that I can’t take care of myself, it doesn’t mean I can’t work and feel accomplishment for that, it doesn’t mean I can’t earn my own money, it doesn’t mean I can’t have fun or travel, or have great friends or a fulfilling marriage. And perhaps because I have felt some healing from this unpleasant-but-happy-ending journey, I haven’t felt as much urgent need to be in this space. However, I’m not done writing. I do feel it is unfinished. I’m thrilled to report that in a couple of months I am making a huge leap forward in my career, which is so exciting but will probably be quite time-consuming, and I don’t yet know what that means for this blog. But, we’ll jump off that bridge when we get there. Too many unknowns right now. In the meantime, I’m going to keep writing. Thank you for your patience everyone.